| October 21st, 2007 |
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So like, Job. Because it's Frikkin hilarious in the original text, and even more so when translated into Moon man. I mean LOLCat.
LOLCat bible: Job
Prowlog
1 In teh land of Uz wuz a man calded Job. Teh man wuz goodz, afraid of teh Ceiling Cat and evilz.2 Teh man hadz seven sunz and tree doters,3 And lots of sheepz and camlez and rinoceruseses and servnts, srsly.4 His sunz tok turns mading cookies, and they all eated them.5 And Job wuz liek "Oh noes! Wut if cookies were sin? Gota prey, just in cased."
Furst Tess
5 Teh ayngles wented to seez Ceiling Cat, and Saitin wented 2.6 Ceiling Cat axt Saitin, "Wher u wuz?" Saitin saied "Oh, hai. I'z wuz in ur earth, woking up and down uponz it."7 Teh Ceiling Cat sayd "Has u seen mai servnt Job? He can has cheezburger cuz he laiks me."
8 "No wai!" sed Saitin.9 "U just plyin favrits.10 If u take his cheezburgers, he no laiks u no moar."
11 Then teh Ceiling Cat sed "Okai, u can take his bukkit, but no hurtzing Job hissef." And then Saitin went awai.
12 Wun day Jobes' sunz and doters were eateding cookies at teh oldest wuns hoose,13 And a mans cam to told Job a mesege. "Ur donkzeys and moo cows was eateding grass"14 And thens teh servnts was atacked by some dudez and ur naminals was stoldz by them and only i got wai."
15 And then anotter mans cam to told Job a diffrant mesege. He sed "Teh Ceiling Cat maids fyr fall from teh skys and it burnded ur sheepz and more servnts and only i got awai."
16 And thens a more diffranter mans cam to told Job a mesege. "Sum Chaldean dudez took ur rinoceroseseses and killd moar servnts and only i got wai."
17 And then 1 moar mans cam to told Job a mesege.18 "Ur sunz howse feld over and skishded evryones. Sry."
19 Then Job got upt and shaved and was liek "Gota prey now."
20 "Teh Ceiling Cat giv me cheezburger, teh Ceiling Cat takded mah cheezburger awai. I stil laiks teh Ceiling Cat."
21 And teh Ceiling Cat sed "I winz!!"Current Mood: Motivated Current Music: Stravinsky - Sacrificial Dance (The Chosen One) |
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So, like, the Santa Ana winds are picking up again; No big surprise, as this is the traditional time of year that God once again tries to wipe the Blight-That-Is the Northridge/Chatsworth urban sprawl off the map. Driving in from Pasadena early this morning (probably around 5:00 AM or so) the gale-force winds (39-45mph) attempted to dislodge my trusty Saturn from the road with such strident effort that on multiple occasions my bespectacled co-pilot, the ever interminable el_pinko_grande exclaimed through a cloud of pomade, "We're in a tight bind!" White knuckled at the helm of my precious Old Girl, a 2005 Saturn Ion Redline with all the trimmings, I calmly intoned through gritted teeth, "There's a good boy, El Libertario, no mere low pressure zone will down two explorers as intrepid as we. Now keep your attention focused on the Nav Markers, lest we follow these satanic gusts... Into Hell!" A solitary bead of cold sweat trailed down my brow, the only indication that I too was not completely secure in the safety of the Old Girls' vacuum gaskets.
Despite a few tense moments when the Old Girl drifted into oncoming traffic
we made it to Cave Manse 1 with little drama to speak of.
Cut to this morning. I'm out and about doing all the cosmopolitan things I do before I'm fully awake on the weekends and I see not one... Not two... But three trees uprooted, their dirty fingers of water-finding aimed naughtily towards traffic in a tawdry display of their inability to keep themselves decently ensconced within the Earth. Actually, one of the uprooted trees on Tampa looked to have snapped at the base, and was taking up both lanes of the side of the street it inhabited with it's death throws.
In the parking lot of the Winnetka 20 a lamp post had fallen over, staving in the lights on one side and spraying the parking lot around the impact with a half-moon of broken glass and sundered metal. The most impressive part of this lamps final moments was not the destruction it caused to itself in it's fall (although that was pretty impressive) but the speed with which it was cleaned up. Not a half hour after I witnessed the 40' pole's point of collapse, it was all cleaned up except for some warning tape and some remaining shards of powdered glass debris.
I only hope my own death will leave as little impact.
Except I'm fairly sure the three tons of TNT I'm saving up will at least leave a crater. My will states my death has to be posted to Youtube, so I'll make sure someone posts it here.
Cut to Tonight. It was dusk, and the sun was completely obscured by the mountains ringing the San Fernando Valley as I drove down the 118 to the Urban Sprawl that is Porter Ranch. It was that happy point between dusk and night when there's still enough light to see by but everything is suffused in a quiet blue glow that seems to calm everything.
Everything except the angry dark strip of sky hanging immediately over the Northridge/Porter Ranch area, roiling and grasping like the very hand of God trying to claw his way out of a meat-hell and get back to the heavens. It was spectacular. In the few minutes of clear visibility I could actually watch the Santa Anas dragging the collected sediment of the summer months out of the Santa Ana pass and drag it through the San Fernando Valley towards Los Angeles. I imagine it looks something like this:
If you have allergies and will be anywhere near the San Fernando Valley in the next few days, I pity you. I really do. Godspeed.
Oh, and this is apparently what happens when you drive a big-rig in the kind of weather we've been having:
 Current Mood:  relaxed Current Music: Rogers Sisters - Fantasies Are Nice |
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