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It's my day off. I'm at home, finishing Internet, when I get a call by my boss a half past closing.
Me: Hey, it's me. Are you on fire?*
Big M: What? No. I'm locked in the office.
Me: That's almost on fire. How'd you get locked in the office?
Big M: I forgot my car keys at home.
Me: How'd you get to the office in the first place?
Big M: I used my spare keys.
Me: And Papa Feo locked you in because you used your spare keys?
Big M: No, I left my spare keys in my car, and the office key is with my spare.
Me: [Silently contemplating stealing and selling the bosses car.]
Big M: Are you home?
Me: ... Yeah.
Big M: Are you busy?
Me: [sigh] Not really. I'm waiting for the evening to begin. Big Plans. Concerts. Far away in LA.
Big M: Oh. Do you have time to come and let me out?
Me: The keys to both your car and the office are in your car?
Big M: Yeah. I left them there so I wouldn't get them locked in the office.
Me: That makes a lot of sense.
Big M: So like, Ten Minutes? I just gotta finish up.
Me: I don't want to know what you have to finish. I'll be there in fifteen.
* "Are you on Fire?" is my customary question to a caller when I feel that their call is interrupting something they should know better than to interrupt. Significant Others calling while I'm at work just to say "I love you," family members calling while I'm at work or with a significant other to remind me to call them back, drug dealers calling EVER to tell me I still owe them money. All of these people are greeted with "Are you on fire?" to signify the level of distress I require them to be in to be interrupting whatever I may be doing. I have a new one now; Employers calling after hours for ANY REASON WHATSOEVER shall be met with the same question.Current Mood:  quixotic Current Music: Tom Waits - I Wish I was in New Orleans |
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Stumpy (the New Kid) approaches me today, completely out of the blue. Here's how the conversation went.
Stumpy: Hey man. How much you weigh?
Me: [I tell him]*
Stumpy: Hey, I weigh forty more pounds than you.
Me: [Silence]
Stumpy: Wanna wrestle?
Me: [Without hesitation] What, like Vikings?
Stumpy: Hey, I don't know about that. You think I could lift you over my head?
Me: Try after hours?
Stumpy: I would throw you so far. All the way over there. [He points thirty feet away.]
Me: You might want to reconsider that, man: I grab stuff. I might take some of you with me.
Stumpy: [He holds his mewbs protectively.] Yeah, that might not work, then.
Me: [I laugh, trotting off in a random direction that supposedly holds work] Lucha Libre!
Stumpy: Hey, why you gotta go making fun of my culture?
*150 lbsCurrent Mood:  bouncy Current Music: Elastica - Trainspotting Theme |
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Conversation between myself and a co-worker today:
Me: Hey, did Goku (Names changed to protect the identities of those involved) leave early yesterday?
Papa Feo: Heheh.
Me: I don't remember him being around for the last half of the day.
Papa Feo: Yeah. He had to go take his girlfriend to the doctor. (Pantomimes sticking a vacuum cleaner to his crotch, ends pantomime with a loud "pop" made with his tongue.)
Me: 'eh?
Papa Feo: Goku gave his girl an abortion for Valentines day. Romantic, huh? He told me she was on the pill but it can be nullified by taking a lot of anti-biotics, which she had been due to illness.
Me: Or due to not taking the pill.
Papa Feo: Uh, yeah. Goku said, "I don't want a baby to come out all gruhhhh," and he made a 'tard face.
Me: Classy.
Papa Feo: Yeah, now get this. He also said, "Plus, when we go our separate ways, I don't want to have to follow her wherever she goes because she's got my kid." What a dingbat.
Me: Thank god for him this is a blue state.
Papa Feo: Morning After Pills for everyone!Current Mood:  cynical Current Music: Slug, El-P - Homecoming |
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